The Guide
by Aeroga
Summary: Zoey, Bill, Francis, and Louis stumble across a survivor's guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse.
1. Little Black Book

**For Kicks and Giggles**

**By: Bring Your Own Kites**

**Disclaimer: Blah blah blah. I don't own L4D**

**Ownership: But I do own the character "Asher"**

**Chapter One: LITTLE BLACK BOOK**

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"There's never anything good to read in these damn safe rooms," Francis complains as he rummages through the drawers in the room.

"That's not all that true…" Zoey says as she reads the graffiti of the probably dead survivors on the walls. One immediately sparks her interest and she decides to share her finding with her group. "Hey, this is a new one…" She points at the wall. No one pays much mind to her so she reads it to herself.

**Hello fellow survivors. If you're reading this I'm already gone. Not dead, just gone from this hell hole of a safe room. Seriously, who decorated this thing? I mean just slap us across the face with a "You're gonna die!" sign. And who decided it was cool to write on the walls? Now it's just a mess of words. Anyway. You see that wooden chair with the red cushion? Pull up the cushion and there should be a surprise. When you're done reading please put a line below this. **

Zoey looks over at Louis who is sitting on the mentioned chair. Louis doesn't realize that Zoey is staring at him and he continues to complain about how they really need to shower.

She walks over to him and shoves him off of the seat.

"The hell, Zoey!" Louis yells.

The cushion falls off with him and underneath is an black marble notebook. The other survivors lean over her shoulder wondering what the book is.

"A book?" Francis asks.

"Yeah, a book, Francis," Bill snaps.

Zoey takes the book into hand. She reads the message on the front cover out loud. "Asher's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse…"

"Who the hell is Asher?" Francis asks.

"Probably the person that wrote this book," Zoey shrugs.

"Who finds time to write a book during the zombie apocalypse?" Louis laughs.

"Well, don't just stare at it," Bill says, "Open the darn thing."

Zoey opens the book. In it is more of the Asher person's neat handwriting. Zoey begins to read it out loud.

**List 1: The Pros and Cons of the Zombie Apocalypse**

**Pro**

_Louis: How can there be pros in a zombie apocalypse?_

_Zoey: [Glares at Louis] Shut up, Louis._

**1. Killing isn't illegal. **Hear that sociopaths and psychopaths? You can now inflict pain on people without any consequences. Well… I'm not sure if zombies can feel pain… But just know it's encouraged that you unleash your inner killer on the undead. But be careful not to do it to someone that's alive. That could be a problem. We need the others for mating purposes… I mean…uh…that's just wrong.

_Francis: I'm gonna have to be that guy, but did anyone else notice that bloody fingerprint?_

_Bill: Sure did._

_Zoey: Be quiet, guys. _

**2. Free Food. **Well it's free as long as you feel like _fighting _for it. It'll be an all you can eat buffet. Just be careful for Woody Harrelson. If he sees you with a twinkie he will assault you and then claim he thought you were a zombie. Not only that he will take that twinkie from you leaving you not only scarred for life, but wondering what the fuck is Woody Harrelson doing here? God forbid you find another survivor that's going in the same grocery store as you though… I guess that could be considered a "con" too.

_Francis: Who's Woody Harrelson?_

_Zoey: He's some actor guy._

_Francis: I hate actors._

_Bill: You hate everybody. _

**3. You now have an excuse for not taking a shower. **Example:  
**Guy: **Dude, I haven't bathed in a week.  
**Girl: **That's gross!  
**Guy: **Yeah, well I don't exactly have time to stop and smell the flowers, sweet heart. I'm trying to survive the fucking zombie apocalypse, here!  
**Girl: **Oh… Since you put it that way…

_Louis: Speaking of showers…_

_Bill: Be quiet._

**4. You don't need a license to drive. **Don't worry if you're hitting everything in your path. Actually, it's recommended that you hit as many zombies as you can on your way to your destination. But just be careful for those Tanks. Crashing into one of them usually results in death. I've seen it happen. Imagine someone taking a tennis racket and whacking a poor innocent butterfly. And for those of you who don't like little baby references… Imagine a body builder snapping you in half. Gruesome? Yeah.

_Zoey: We need to invest in a car._

_Bill: Noisy as hell. We might as well light a flare to tell all the infected where we are._

_Louis: [Nods head in agreement] Touché. _

**5. You can now go on endless shopping sprees! **This is especially good for those of you who are shopaholics. And the best thing about it is you don't have to spend any money. You can get that killer dress that daddy dearest wouldn't get you because it was too skanky. Just be careful when you're in the mall though. There tend to be an abundant number of psychopaths in those areas for some reason.

_Zoey: The guy's got a point. Why haven't we changed our clothes in weeks?_

_Francis: Too many zombies. _

**6. You don't have worry about School/Work. **Instead you spend 24 hours looking over your back, bustin' through doors, and killing zombies. Not as bad as it sounds though. Now you don't ever have to say "Ugh… I have to go bed I have work in the morning…". Chances are you'll have to stay up all night, assuming you are alone in the zombie apocalypse. And for you college students toss those 30 page term papers at some zombies!

_Zoey: Now this is a real pro!_

**7. Making bombs is perfectly acceptable. **Well…assuming you aren't trying to wipe out humanity. But pipe bombs and Molotov cocktails are pretty useful when trying to escape the undead. Especially for those damn Tanks. So all you kids who wanted to blow shit up, now is your chance. Just don't fuck it up!

_Louis: Now that I think about it… Who makes all those pipe bombs and leaves them scattered about anyway?_

_Zoey: [Sarcastically] Well, Louis. There's a magical pipe bomb fairy named Valve that goes around leaving pipe bombs in it's path. _

**8. How was your day today? **'Least now when your parents ask you what you did today you don't have to respond with the most common answer of "nothing". In fact, you probably raided a gun store, took out some Hunters, and maybe even a Tank- All by yourself!

_Francis: We did that yesterday. _

**9. You now believe anything is possible. **If zombies are roaming the earth, then Bigfoot probably is too. …A zombie Bigfoot that is…

_Louis: This guy has got a pretty good imagination. _

_Bill: I wouldn't doubt it though… _

_Zoey: Yeah, after the things we've seen…_

**10. REJOICE! The people you hate are probably all dead. **

_Zoey & Francis: [In unison] Thank god._

**Cons**

**1. Food. **Chances are that you will run into other survivors in some kind of grocery store. I bet you're thinking, "Oh shut up, dude! It's not that bad!" No. It is that bad. Even though there's a whole grocery store the other survivors feel there will not be enough food for them- even of there are only two of them. Let me just remind you this is a grocery store- like King Kullen or Whole Foods huge. You have 30 aisles of food and you can't even spare one can of fucking Spaghetti-O's! You selfish mother fuckers!

_Zoey: [Eye twitches] You guys remember that one douche bag who wouldn't let us into the safe room at the church?_

_Francis: How could we forget that? _

_Louis: We had to fight off the entire town because of that guy. _

**2. If you are out of shape/fat you are dead. **The undead will go after the slowest of the pack. If you are the weakest link, consider yourself dead. Might as well drown yourself in some pills. I'm pretty sure it would be better than becoming one of them.

_Bill: They're all Boomers now._

**3. Lack of sleep. **More often then not you'll find yourself running on no sleep for days. But once you let your guard down and drift off to sleep just know you probably won't wake up again.

_Zoey: I don't know about you guys, but I haven't had a dream filled of cute butterflies and chocolate teddy bears in a while…_

_Francis: [Shocked] You had dreams about cute stuff?_

_Zoey: [Embarrassed] Yeah! Doesn't everybody?_

_Louis: [Mutters under breath] Not you…_

_Zoey: [Mad] Shut up, Louis._

**4. About 99.9% of the people you encounter will be trying to eat you. **Although this will eventually considered to be normal for you it's important not to forget that there might actually be a .1% trying to escape the undead. Just be careful not to shoot him/her. However, if he/she has any weird bite marks or scratches, put them down and quickly. Take immediate action if they are scratching their wounded area whispering "itchy tasty".

_Bill: [Laughs] Remember that last kid we were gonna let into the group._

_Zoey: I try not to. _

**5. There's no such thing as a hospital. **The places you once called "hospitals" are now sanctuaries for the undead. If you get injured, suck it up. You do not want to go near one these buildings for the life of anything. You will most likely get mauled by a Hunter and die- even better thousands of zombies will tear you open and eat your organs.

_Louis: You guys better not get mortally injured, cause after what happened at Mercy Hospital I am never stepping foot inside of a hospital. _

**6. You become desensitized. **Normally if someone sees a person get his eye cut out they'd cringe or maybe even scream. But once the zombie come out and you've been exposed to all the horrors for so long you'll be like "Pshh, sucks to be Mr. DiNardo" and then you'll continue about your day like it never even happened.

_Bill: [Nods head] Yep. _

**7. You have to be ready for anything and everything. **One little mistake and it could result in death. Someone tells you to leave them behind, do it. Don't ask questions. The time you spend trying to convince them to come with you could have been used to execute the escape.

_Louis: God forbid a Tank runs out of nowhere. _

_Francis: I hate Tanks._

_Zoey: Doesn't everybody?_

**8. Tanks. Hunters. Spitter. Chargers. Smokers. Witches. Jockeys. Boomers. **These are your worst enemies in the zombie apocalypse and they will fuck you up. Though thankfully they are the loudest of the infected and you can hear them coming from yards away. The ones you really want to avoid at all costs are the Tanks and Witches…maybe even the Charger. And for self-esteem reasons, the Jockeys. They hump your face and it is _incredibly _embarrassing.

_Zoey: [Laughs] Remember when that Jockey humped your face, Francis._

_Francis: [Covers face] I thought we agreed never to mention that again. _

**9. Psychopaths/Cults. **You will more often then not come across one of those two. Cults will usually ask you to join their cult and if you say no they'll try to kill you then use you as a human sacrifice to the gods. Psychopaths on the other hand will just attack you on the spot. I, personally, think it's better to run into a psychopath than the cult because, you can always kill the psychopath but kill one member of the cult and there's plenty more where that came from.

_Zoey: Thank god we haven't run into any of these yet. _

_Louis: Well, that church guy could count as a psychopath. _

**10. DEPRESSING THOUGHT: Your loved ones are probably all dead. **

_Everyone: …_

_Zoey: That is depressing…_

**Yours Truly, **

**Asher Hollingsworth**

"I think this might be the best safe room we stumbled across by far," Francis says, taking a seat on the desk. Zoey sits next to him, while Bill and Louis sit in two computer chairs.

"Keep reading," Bill laughs.

And that's how they discovered the lost survivor's notebook.

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**END CHAPTER ONE.**

**Bring Your Own Kites: **Hope you guys had fun reading this. Ashes probably will not make an actual appearance in this. He's probably dead or trying to survive.


	2. Partners

**Chapter Two: Partners**

Zoey flips it to the next page. The others wait for her to start reading.

**Asher Tip 1: **Find someone, typically someone that isn't trying to eat you, to help you fight against the undead. Your chances of survival will go up drastically with each person in your little posse. That is assuming they know what they're doing.

_Zoey: I think we're a pretty decent team._

_Francis: [Shifty eyed) Except when Louis shoots me on purpose._

_Louis: Dammit, Francis! That was by accident! You ran in my way! _

_Francis: That's what they all say._

**List 2: Guidelines to Finding the Ideal Zombie Hunting Partner**

_Bill: This should be good._

**1. Do they have any skills? **By skills I mean they know how to treat a non-zombie inflicted wound. They can fire a gun with accuracy. They can determine their way out of any situation. They have a way with words- meaning if you and your partner come across a psychopath they can get them to leave you in one piece. Do they know some kind of marital arts? Or can they make a pipe bomb?

_Louis: Well… I think we're pretty well covered. _

_Francis: Except one of you has to work on your accuracy._

_Louis: Mention it one more time, Francis, and I'm locking you outside of the safe room. _

**2. Are they physically fit? **This is important. Your partner must be able to run for more than a few minutes before they get tired. They must be able to climb fences/other obstacles with ease. If not, they are not "fit" to be your partner!

_Zoey: Well if we weren't fit before, we sure as hell are now._

_Francis: [Scoffs] I was in shape before this happened._

_Louis: I hardly call living off of hamburgers in shape._

_Zoey: Now, now, children._

**3. Are they a douche bag? **Signs of Douche Bag:  
A) Do they think they are better than you in every aspect?  
B) Do they have no consideration for the rest of your group?  
C) Do they disappear when you tend to need them the most?  
D) Do they point the blame at everyone else, when it is _clearly_ their fault?  
E) Do they eat all of your fucking food, then disappear?  
F) Do they accidentally shoot you and then yell at you for being in the way?  
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, gather your team and disappear when the chance is right. They will get you eaten or even worse- they'll kill you.

_Bill, Louis, & Zoey: Bye Francis._

_Francis; This kid doesn't know what he's talking about. _

**4. Do they have slow reactions? **Even a moment of delay can result in death. If they are constantly almost getting you killed while out running the undead, it's just better if you leave them behind.

_Louis: Survival of the fittest at it's best, huh?_

**5. Are they somewhat mentally stable? **By mentally stable I mean _Do they have a risk of turning into a psychopath then trying to take out your entire group? _You can tell this by paying attention to what they say. Eventually they'll slip up and say wrong thing like "_I was incarcerated for the murder of two families…" _or _"I was placed in a mental hospital after I tried to kill my mother". _Stuff like that should make you worry. Other signs may be even more noticeable. Like if they kill a zombie and then play with it's blood. You should get out of there immediately.

_Louis: So uh, Zoey, ever get checked into a mental hospital?_

_Zoey: Don't be stupid, Louis._

_Louis: Just making sure. _

_Bill: You kids are somethin' else. _

_**Abide by this guideline and you'll be unbeatable. **_

"What? That's it?" Francis complains.

"There's more on the next page. Stop being such a whiner," Zoey sighs, briefly scanning the next page.


	3. Things NOT to Do

**Chapter Three: What Not to Do**

**Asher Tip #2: **There are probably a thousand things you can come up with not to do in the zombie apocalypse. For everyone it may vary slightly. But living with zombies for the last few months, I've found that going with your heart usually ends up getting you killed. Do not, for the love of Arceus, listen to your heart. Despite what that one chick sang.

_Louis: You know. I wonder if this kid or whatever he is, just comes up with this stuff on the fly. _

_Bill: Sure does seem like it._

**THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (HOLY SHIT.)**

_Zoey: [Laughs] I could come up with so many things for this list._

**1. Do not fucking scream.** Do not do it. Zombies rely on hearing and smell to locate you. Well, some do. Some don't. You screaming is pretty much announcing to the entire zombie population that you want to be eaten. Well good for you. I know I sure as hell don't want to be eaten and chances are, neither do your partners. Do everyone a favor and cut out your tongue.

_[GROUP LOOKS AWAY SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED]_

**2. Do not waste ammo! **There are only so many people in the world that know how to make bullets- and all of them are most likely trying to have your intestines for breakfast. Eventually bullets will run out. So conserve your bloody ammo. Though I don't recommend using guns, they do help when you need to slow down a zombie or thirty. Don't be the asshole that randomly discharges his/her weapon for shits and giggles and then alerts the entire United States to his/her whereabouts.

_Francis: Speaking of bullets…_

_Louis: Don't even say it._

_Francis: Say what? How do you know what I'm going to say?_

_Louis: I just know._

_Zoey: We all know._

**3. Do not be a hero! **I'm so damn serious. If someone looks like they're going down, and you can't see any ending in which you escape alive, leave the bastard/bastardette! Even if you do see a slim chance of escaping, still leave them behind! Don't even think about trying to help them. I know you're thinking, "Holy ground zombie brains! This kid is a dick!", but it's so very true. In the zombie apocalypse it's you versus everyone else. Everyone else being both the undead and living alike.

_Zoey: We've been "heroes" so many times. _

_Francis: Like that one time when we got surrounded by those Tanks._

_Louis: Or the one time that guy kidnapped Zoey for repopulation…_

_[ZOEY GLARES]_

**4. Do not attack your teammates without probable cause. **Once upon time there was a young man whose name may or may not have been Asher. Anyway, "Asher" thought that he and his fantastic group of zombie killing machines should take the long, scenic route to avoid the city. But, of course, there was that one person whose name may or may not have been "Gilbert", who didn't agree with "Asher". "Asher's" argument, though put disrespectfully, was completely valid. The argument escalated rather quickly. "Asher" ended up with a black and blue eye while "Gilbert" ended up with a bloody nose (which attracted every infected in the vicinity) and he was eaten alive. Long story short, don't attack your teammates because of an argument. You need them. Sure they may use you as a sacrifice for later, but until then, just don't do it. Probable cause would be, say, "Gilbert" trying to chop off a survivor's head for no apparent reason. Or in general, they're just trying to kill you.

_[EVERYONE TURNS AT FRANCIS]_

_Francis: 'The hell you lookin' at me like that for?_

_Zoey: You know… the more I read this, the more I realize how much of a crappy person you are._

_Francis: The more I read this, makes me realize how stupid you guys are. _

**5. Do not go into cities unless you absolutely have to.** And I mean unless Arceus is going to descend from the heavens and blast you to bits if you don't go into the city. It's very hard to be stealthy in cities. The Undead lurk around pretty much every corner. Trying to find a decent, not perfect, just decent, resting spot is almost impossible. Plus, remember those psychopaths I mentioned on a while ago? Well, in cities there are malls and they like to flock to malls for some strange reason. Next time I meet one, I'll be sure to ask them why they do so, after I put a bullet through their skull. Anyway! Avoid those cities, people, at all cost. I can't stress this enough. Many have tried, a lot have failed and threw a fiesta to the zombies with their organs.

_Louis: All right, what the hell is an "Arceus"? Is that some kind of God people worship?_

_Bill: Never heard of it before._

_Louis: Man, I miss the internet._

_Francis: I hate the internet._

_Zoey: …You hate everything. And Louis, you only miss the internet because of porn. Don't deny it._

_Louis: [Flustered] N-no! _

**6. Do not bring more than you can carry. **Travel lightly! This isn't Skyrim, where you can just carry a crap load of things and fast travel places. Chances are at one point or another a horde of zombies is going to attack you and you'll have to run. Carrying something that is heavy will just slow you down and then you might as well kiss the world goodbye. If you are being chased and you have light bag, drop it anyway! It'll be of no use if you're dead. Maybe future survivors that cross your path will find it or something, so I guess that might be a good thing.

_Bill: What's Skyrim?_

_Louis: No clue… _

_Zoey: Sounds like a video game or something…_

**7. Do not keep an infected person in your group. **Holy mother of George A. Romero. This is probably the most important rule ever. You know how in the those zombie movies when someone gets bitten and there's that one person that's like "Oh you'll be okay" and everyone listens to that person and then probably thirty minutes in, that person turns into a zombie? Do not do that. I don't care if it's your brother, father, fiancé, childhood friend- shoot that motherfucker in the head! Shoot them! There is no damn cure. They will not miraculously recover! What they will do, however, is turn into a zombie and eat out your organs. Put an end to the problem before it happens. Stop it! This is survival of the fittest at its finest. It's a mass Hunger Game, and you, sir or ma'am- maybe even it, are right in the bloody middle of it. So suck it up, kill/ditch anyone that has been infected and call it a day. Go raid a grocery store or something.

_Louis: Why would someone do something so… stupid?_

_Zoey: People have the mentality that they'll be saved like in the movies, like whatshisface just stated. _

_Bill: I haven't seen a lot of these zombie movies you kids are talkin' about, but that is really FUBAR. In the war we didn't sit around and wait to be rescued. We fought._

_Francis: [Rolls eyes] Here we go again._

**8. Do not travel at night. **Unless you absolutely have to. You'd think traveling at night would be 100 times safer, but in retrospect it really isn't, unless you're out in the Middle of damn Nowhere. I mean the Middle of Nowhere. You know, like in Courage the Cowardly Dog, one of the greatest shows ever created. Anyway. Unless you have night vision goggles or something of that sort, your visibility decreases drastically. A zombie could be stalking you in the darkness. By the time you realize, it might be too late. It'll send you and/or your group into a panic fast, trying to figure out where the threat is coming from. So just don't go out at night. That solves all the problems.

_Louis: We've broken quite a bit of these rules. He'd be ashamed of us. _

_Zoey: Somewhere, "Asher" is crying because of our natural instincts. _

_Bill: 'n I wouldn't doubt it._

**9. Do not go to the mall. **I learned this the hard way. Remember those cultists I was talking about back in the first section? Well, my first run in was with one at a mall down. They asked to me to join their cult and I flat out said no. Well, not flat out. I was a little disrespectful. This was before I had a group, mind you. They tried to sacrifice me to their so called "God". Thankfully a Tank broke through the wall and saved the day. Kind of… because after it was done with them, it turned its sights on me. Not a good memory. Maybe like… four weeks later, after I got one person in my little posse, I decided to go into another mall. It still didn't end well. This guy in Abercrombie and Fitch was determined to be the last living human on the earth and in order to do that, he had to kill us. Since I'm here writing this, you can see that I survived. Maybe I just have shitty luck with malls. I don't know. Right, another reason not to go into a mall is because you do not have access keys to all of the maintenance doors. So if a zombie is chasing you and you need to get out quick, you turn to a door that says "Employees Only" only to find it is locked, you are beyond fucked.

_Louis: Damn that must suck._

_Francis: To be saved by a Tank? Hell yeah._

_Louis: No, not that. To be almost sacrificed. Why would getting saved by a Tank suck?_

_Francis: It's probably not there to save you, if you know what I mean._

**10. Do not leave the goddamn house, Carl!**

_Bill: I don't get it._

_Zoey: Me either._

_Louis: Maybe it's an inside joke or something. _

_Francis: [Scoffs] Doesn't even give us an explanation for it. _

**Abide by these rules and you'll live longer.**

…**Maybe.**

"Maybe?" Louis raises an eyebrow at the book, then looks over at his companions.

**Aeroga: **Merry Christmas! I mean… uh… Merry Update! I finally got my computer fixed and when I was going through the word documents I found this! Anyway, a bit of questions for you lot. One, _should Asher make an appearance? _Two,_ anyone know what number 10 is from?_ Three,_ what would you like to see in Asher's Book of Magical Wonder? (I.E. Cultists/Psychopath Section, Optimal Resting Places, Food: What to Bring and What Not to Bring, What's Your Weapon of Choice?, etc.) Feel free to leave a suggestion in your review._


End file.
